I'm in desperate need of help. My back's against the wall and while there's clearly people who've helped me along the way, no one can help me the way I need to be. I'm 27 years old, no college, unemployed and broke. My lease is up in a few months and the person who's paying my portion of the the rent can't sustain the bill.
How'd I get in this predicament you might wonder. It wasn't due to laziness or a lack of direction. This blog represents honesty and change; in the spirit of that, I must be frank-- I'm agoraphobic. I've suffered from debilitating anxiety my entire life. It led me to drop out of school when I was thirteen and lead a very unconventional lifestyle. A lifestyle where I answered to nobody and put dreams before responsibilities. Somehow I managed to overcome my mental issues; issues which included agoraphobia, phagophobia, mottephobia and depersonalization disorder.
I suffered mainly in silence, with a smile and pretending to be a tough guy. By my early 20's things changed, I moved to another state and lost contact with my friends. I began a routine of going to work and then back home. It fostered and exacerbated my conditions. It was seemingly overnight and I couldn't feel anything worsening-- the next thing I knew, I had become a shut-in and hadn't left my house much in 7 years.
That's where I am now. In my isolation, I somehow managed a girlfriend. She lives with me currently and we're trying to sort life. I have many talents, passion and knowledge. My fear of people and the outside world prohibit change. I've worked on my condition, trying to break free over the years but with varying success. Every step forward lands me four back. It's in the cycle, I've grown depressed and alone. There's so much I need, so much I want and love in this world-- but I'm shackled.
I'm out of time though.
I pulled a life insurance policy out. It isn't much and I'm unsure of how long it's going to take to be paid out to me. I figured I'd use it to bide time once my rent situation had to change. That won't work however, it'll only prevent the inevitable and I'll be homeless. I've searched for work for two years religiously and nobody seems to want an uneducated, inexperienced, socially awkward 27 year old employee. I am undesirable at this state.
It means my only chances are self employment or to really ace an interview. These things require one common trait, confidence.
The time I was most confident and "normal" in my life was between the ages of 15 to 20. I got heavily into martial arts and was training to be a professional fighter. I had gotten into great shape. The level of fitness and the confidence instilled by that pursuit made me into a different person.
I was still introverted, but I was able to play the role of extrovert rather easily. My depersonalization and phagophobia utterly vanished. I could talk to everyone, about anything. Hot girls, fighters, middle aged people, anyone.
It's such a balls to the wall plan, but I'm taking the life insurance money and I'm going to start Brazilian Jiu Jitsu again for the first time in almost 10 years. I'm going to sign up at Marcelo Garcia's school in NYC and I'll work hard to rebuild myself and transcend this condition. I strongly believe getting into shape and rekindling my flame with Jiu Jitsu will save my life.
I'm someone who's desperate and I've tried everything; I'm gambling all I have left right here. You're all thinking I'm a fool and I agree. This is the final answer.
Here's the outline. Go to Jiu Jitsu and get in great shape again: this will fix my testosterone levels and overall brain chemistry, reducing anxiety and building confidence at the same time through getting fit and skilled all at once. I'm conversational in Japanese, however, anxiety has made me unable to practicing speaking... therefore I'm unable to speak well. I'm going to hire a tutor and properly acquire fluency: this will also add confidence, polish to my resume and get my talking to people outside the Jiu Jitsu community.
I'll build my photography company, with a new ability to approach potential clients and sell my services. This entire time, I'll also continue religiously seeking work.
By keeping in motion, building my confidence, networking, getting in shape and acquiring new abilities... I hope in the next few months I'll see a noticeable change in my life.
Can I save my life?
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