Embarking Into The Unknown

In about two weeks time, I’ll be traveling to Japan alone. I’m staying there for three months. I don’t have any of the life skills needed to enjoy such a trip, let alone survive one– but it’s because of that very reason, I’ve decided to embrace this challenge.

I will destroy my weaknesses.

I’m using my life savings for this trip, and I’m not even sure it’s enough money to last me. It’s every dime I’ve slaved for since 2017. For over a year, I worked 60 hours a week, get home at 3 am and have to leave again at sunrise. I had no friends, no family, no outlets other than idols, and was fueled by nothing other than a childhood dream and the pain of loneliness.

I vowed to kill myself on my 30th birthday if I hadn’t made it to Japan by that time. I granted myself an extension after experiencing Oyasumi Hologram’s US Tour. I want to die, even now. So I don’t like appearing as though I say these things for theatrics. But, what I wan’t more than death, is a life worth living. I’m unafraid of dying, and I’m actually looking forward to the peace it’ll bring. The life-extension didn’t come through a lack of conviction, but rather, signs that I had more power to change my life than I initially realized.

I’m stuck between two mantras. Die by 30 and Don’t be a bitch ass nigga.

As time goes on, I find myself becoming stronger. Somehow, when I hit rock bottom and had time to think in front of the gates of the depths of hell, I chose to audit myself. During that audit, I collected a lot of evidence to why there’s still hope for me, why there’s still a chance to live a meaningful life. If I had the courage and fortitude to work hard towards it, I could see my own potential. I thought that if I embraced a zombie-like grind and just kept moving forward, no matter what and without compromise, surely something good would come through it.

The main thing that stood between me and death, was the recognition that it was my own cowardice that has stopped me from pursuing happiness.

I’m a stubborn mother fucker.

The one thing that I hate, is pussy-ass niggas who can’t man the fuck up. Maybe it’s because I come from a rough neighborhood, or perhaps because I grew up doing combat sports. Maybe a combination of both. There’s a fire in my south that refuses death. A fire that doesn’t allow me to go out like some bitch. I don’t think suicide is the cowards way out, but, in my particular situation I think my depression does in fact stem from fear.

Social anxiety is a formidable opponent. But, over time I’ve begun recognizing it for what it actually is. Sort of like when the victim of a bully realizes that their bully is actually a punk.

Now, I don’t respect social anxiety induced depression. I don’t respect it in others, and I don’t respect it in myself. If I still choose to die early someday, that’s fine– but I refuse to let it be because of a fear. And if fear does do me in someday, I refuse to go down without a fight.

I’m fucking scared to go to Japan. But, my greatest opponent– the final boss, lives there. This is a journey to find myself and slay my demon. If I can loosen its grips over me, perhaps I’ll be able to live life again.

I’ll embark into the unknown and embrace the chaos. I will save my own life.

Losing my attraction to Asian Women

Since I was a little kid I  always really attracted to Asian girls. The first time I had a crush on a girl, it was actually a Chinese girl in my class. And, growing up on the Lower East Side, which neighbors Chinatown, I was given ample opportunities for eye-candy and my interests in Asian girls to be maintained.

As I got more into Japan, the general attraction towards Asian women shifted to a more specific and refined attraction to Japanese women. I was really fond of their particular look, height, build and facial bone structure. Overtime, through growing exposure and interests in Japanese culture, I also grew to find the mannerism of Japanese women incredibly sexy. Not only that but, Japanese as a language became a very romantic sounding language to me. So I'd literally get turned on just listening to a Japanese girl speak.

Around a year ago however, at the ripe old age of 30, that grip Japanese women held over me for so long finally began loosening. I can honestly say that I'm mostly uninterested in them, at least in any exclusive way. There's a familiarity with them though, like comfort food. And I think that because I've mainly interacted with Japanese women over any other type, I'm most at ease with them. 

Unrelated but, even though Idols being Japanese girls might've drawn me to the fandom originally, my enjoyment of the fandom is mostly innocent. People think I'm just a pervert on the surface because I love Japanese girls. If they knew how separated my sexuality is from my idol hobby, maybe they'd stop looking down on me for my interests? Not sure. 

NIlkly's Odyssey

Two days ago I finally got around to listening to Nilkly's EP, Odyssey. This isn't my first rodeo in the Bellheart-linage of groups, however, it's the first time that I was entirely blown away. The moment I finished listening, I instantly went back for seconds and thirds-- and within a few moments after that, I'd be buying the CD from Amazon Japan. 

Nilkly's come out of nowhere and jumped high on my list of must see groups while I'm in Japan. What a fantastic debut. 

Onward To Namek

I'm going to Japan in November. I'll use this place to collect thoughts relating to this pilgrimage and any related themes. I intend to use many of the things written here as transcripts, once I begin making videos.

Thank you.