Sunday, July 12, 2020
Monday, October 28, 2019
Embarking Into The Unknown
In about two weeks time, I’ll be traveling to Japan alone. I’m staying there for three months. I don’t have any of the life skills needed to enjoy such a trip, let alone survive one– but it’s because of that very reason, I’ve decided to embrace this challenge.
I will destroy my weaknesses.
I’m using my life savings for this trip, and I’m not even sure it’s enough money to last me. It’s every dime I’ve slaved for since 2017. For over a year, I worked 60 hours a week, get home at 3 am and have to leave again at sunrise. I had no friends, no family, no outlets other than idols, and was fueled by nothing other than a childhood dream and the pain of loneliness.
I vowed to kill myself on my 30th birthday if I hadn’t made it to Japan by that time. I granted myself an extension after experiencing Oyasumi Hologram’s US Tour. I want to die, even now. So I don’t like appearing as though I say these things for theatrics. But, what I wan’t more than death, is a life worth living. I’m unafraid of dying, and I’m actually looking forward to the peace it’ll bring. The life-extension didn’t come through a lack of conviction, but rather, signs that I had more power to change my life than I initially realized.
I’m stuck between two mantras. Die by 30 and Don’t be a bitch ass nigga.
As time goes on, I find myself becoming stronger. Somehow, when I hit rock bottom and had time to think in front of the gates of the depths of hell, I chose to audit myself. During that audit, I collected a lot of evidence to why there’s still hope for me, why there’s still a chance to live a meaningful life. If I had the courage and fortitude to work hard towards it, I could see my own potential. I thought that if I embraced a zombie-like grind and just kept moving forward, no matter what and without compromise, surely something good would come through it.
The main thing that stood between me and death, was the recognition that it was my own cowardice that has stopped me from pursuing happiness.
I’m a stubborn mother fucker.
The one thing that I hate, is pussy-ass niggas who can’t man the fuck up. Maybe it’s because I come from a rough neighborhood, or perhaps because I grew up doing combat sports. Maybe a combination of both. There’s a fire in my south that refuses death. A fire that doesn’t allow me to go out like some bitch. I don’t think suicide is the cowards way out, but, in my particular situation I think my depression does in fact stem from fear.
Social anxiety is a formidable opponent. But, over time I’ve begun recognizing it for what it actually is. Sort of like when the victim of a bully realizes that their bully is actually a punk.
Now, I don’t respect social anxiety induced depression. I don’t respect it in others, and I don’t respect it in myself. If I still choose to die early someday, that’s fine– but I refuse to let it be because of a fear. And if fear does do me in someday, I refuse to go down without a fight.
I’m fucking scared to go to Japan. But, my greatest opponent– the final boss, lives there. This is a journey to find myself and slay my demon. If I can loosen its grips over me, perhaps I’ll be able to live life again.
I’ll embark into the unknown and embrace the chaos. I will save my own life.
I will destroy my weaknesses.
I’m using my life savings for this trip, and I’m not even sure it’s enough money to last me. It’s every dime I’ve slaved for since 2017. For over a year, I worked 60 hours a week, get home at 3 am and have to leave again at sunrise. I had no friends, no family, no outlets other than idols, and was fueled by nothing other than a childhood dream and the pain of loneliness.
I vowed to kill myself on my 30th birthday if I hadn’t made it to Japan by that time. I granted myself an extension after experiencing Oyasumi Hologram’s US Tour. I want to die, even now. So I don’t like appearing as though I say these things for theatrics. But, what I wan’t more than death, is a life worth living. I’m unafraid of dying, and I’m actually looking forward to the peace it’ll bring. The life-extension didn’t come through a lack of conviction, but rather, signs that I had more power to change my life than I initially realized.
I’m stuck between two mantras. Die by 30 and Don’t be a bitch ass nigga.
As time goes on, I find myself becoming stronger. Somehow, when I hit rock bottom and had time to think in front of the gates of the depths of hell, I chose to audit myself. During that audit, I collected a lot of evidence to why there’s still hope for me, why there’s still a chance to live a meaningful life. If I had the courage and fortitude to work hard towards it, I could see my own potential. I thought that if I embraced a zombie-like grind and just kept moving forward, no matter what and without compromise, surely something good would come through it.
The main thing that stood between me and death, was the recognition that it was my own cowardice that has stopped me from pursuing happiness.
I’m a stubborn mother fucker.
The one thing that I hate, is pussy-ass niggas who can’t man the fuck up. Maybe it’s because I come from a rough neighborhood, or perhaps because I grew up doing combat sports. Maybe a combination of both. There’s a fire in my south that refuses death. A fire that doesn’t allow me to go out like some bitch. I don’t think suicide is the cowards way out, but, in my particular situation I think my depression does in fact stem from fear.
Social anxiety is a formidable opponent. But, over time I’ve begun recognizing it for what it actually is. Sort of like when the victim of a bully realizes that their bully is actually a punk.
Now, I don’t respect social anxiety induced depression. I don’t respect it in others, and I don’t respect it in myself. If I still choose to die early someday, that’s fine– but I refuse to let it be because of a fear. And if fear does do me in someday, I refuse to go down without a fight.
I’m fucking scared to go to Japan. But, my greatest opponent– the final boss, lives there. This is a journey to find myself and slay my demon. If I can loosen its grips over me, perhaps I’ll be able to live life again.
I’ll embark into the unknown and embrace the chaos. I will save my own life.
Losing my attraction to Asian Women
Since I was a little kid I always really attracted to Asian girls. The first time I had a crush on a girl, it was actually a Chinese girl in my class. And, growing up on the Lower East Side, which neighbors Chinatown, I was given ample opportunities for eye-candy and my interests in Asian girls to be maintained.
As I got more into Japan, the general attraction towards Asian women shifted to a more specific and refined attraction to Japanese women. I was really fond of their particular look, height, build and facial bone structure. Overtime, through growing exposure and interests in Japanese culture, I also grew to find the mannerism of Japanese women incredibly sexy. Not only that but, Japanese as a language became a very romantic sounding language to me. So I'd literally get turned on just listening to a Japanese girl speak.
As I got more into Japan, the general attraction towards Asian women shifted to a more specific and refined attraction to Japanese women. I was really fond of their particular look, height, build and facial bone structure. Overtime, through growing exposure and interests in Japanese culture, I also grew to find the mannerism of Japanese women incredibly sexy. Not only that but, Japanese as a language became a very romantic sounding language to me. So I'd literally get turned on just listening to a Japanese girl speak.
Around a year ago however, at the ripe old age of 30, that grip Japanese women held over me for so long finally began loosening. I can honestly say that I'm mostly uninterested in them, at least in any exclusive way. There's a familiarity with them though, like comfort food. And I think that because I've mainly interacted with Japanese women over any other type, I'm most at ease with them.
Unrelated but, even though Idols being Japanese girls might've drawn me to the fandom originally, my enjoyment of the fandom is mostly innocent. People think I'm just a pervert on the surface because I love Japanese girls. If they knew how separated my sexuality is from my idol hobby, maybe they'd stop looking down on me for my interests? Not sure.
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
NIlkly's Odyssey
Two days ago I finally got around to listening to Nilkly's EP, Odyssey. This isn't my first rodeo in the Bellheart-linage of groups, however, it's the first time that I was entirely blown away. The moment I finished listening, I instantly went back for seconds and thirds-- and within a few moments after that, I'd be buying the CD from Amazon Japan.
Nilkly's come out of nowhere and jumped high on my list of must see groups while I'm in Japan. What a fantastic debut.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
Onward To Namek
I'm going to Japan in November. I'll use this place to collect thoughts relating to this pilgrimage and any related themes. I intend to use many of the things written here as transcripts, once I begin making videos.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
A New Stage
I'm in desperate need of help. My back's against the wall and while there's clearly people who've helped me along the way, no one can help me the way I need to be. I'm 27 years old, no college, unemployed and broke. My lease is up in a few months and the person who's paying my portion of the the rent can't sustain the bill.
How'd I get in this predicament you might wonder. It wasn't due to laziness or a lack of direction. This blog represents honesty and change; in the spirit of that, I must be frank-- I'm agoraphobic. I've suffered from debilitating anxiety my entire life. It led me to drop out of school when I was thirteen and lead a very unconventional lifestyle. A lifestyle where I answered to nobody and put dreams before responsibilities. Somehow I managed to overcome my mental issues; issues which included agoraphobia, phagophobia, mottephobia and depersonalization disorder.
I suffered mainly in silence, with a smile and pretending to be a tough guy. By my early 20's things changed, I moved to another state and lost contact with my friends. I began a routine of going to work and then back home. It fostered and exacerbated my conditions. It was seemingly overnight and I couldn't feel anything worsening-- the next thing I knew, I had become a shut-in and hadn't left my house much in 7 years.
That's where I am now. In my isolation, I somehow managed a girlfriend. She lives with me currently and we're trying to sort life. I have many talents, passion and knowledge. My fear of people and the outside world prohibit change. I've worked on my condition, trying to break free over the years but with varying success. Every step forward lands me four back. It's in the cycle, I've grown depressed and alone. There's so much I need, so much I want and love in this world-- but I'm shackled.
I'm out of time though.
I pulled a life insurance policy out. It isn't much and I'm unsure of how long it's going to take to be paid out to me. I figured I'd use it to bide time once my rent situation had to change. That won't work however, it'll only prevent the inevitable and I'll be homeless. I've searched for work for two years religiously and nobody seems to want an uneducated, inexperienced, socially awkward 27 year old employee. I am undesirable at this state.
It means my only chances are self employment or to really ace an interview. These things require one common trait, confidence.
The time I was most confident and "normal" in my life was between the ages of 15 to 20. I got heavily into martial arts and was training to be a professional fighter. I had gotten into great shape. The level of fitness and the confidence instilled by that pursuit made me into a different person.
I was still introverted, but I was able to play the role of extrovert rather easily. My depersonalization and phagophobia utterly vanished. I could talk to everyone, about anything. Hot girls, fighters, middle aged people, anyone.
It's such a balls to the wall plan, but I'm taking the life insurance money and I'm going to start Brazilian Jiu Jitsu again for the first time in almost 10 years. I'm going to sign up at Marcelo Garcia's school in NYC and I'll work hard to rebuild myself and transcend this condition. I strongly believe getting into shape and rekindling my flame with Jiu Jitsu will save my life.
I'm someone who's desperate and I've tried everything; I'm gambling all I have left right here. You're all thinking I'm a fool and I agree. This is the final answer.
Here's the outline. Go to Jiu Jitsu and get in great shape again: this will fix my testosterone levels and overall brain chemistry, reducing anxiety and building confidence at the same time through getting fit and skilled all at once. I'm conversational in Japanese, however, anxiety has made me unable to practicing speaking... therefore I'm unable to speak well. I'm going to hire a tutor and properly acquire fluency: this will also add confidence, polish to my resume and get my talking to people outside the Jiu Jitsu community.
I'll build my photography company, with a new ability to approach potential clients and sell my services. This entire time, I'll also continue religiously seeking work.
By keeping in motion, building my confidence, networking, getting in shape and acquiring new abilities... I hope in the next few months I'll see a noticeable change in my life.
Can I save my life?
How'd I get in this predicament you might wonder. It wasn't due to laziness or a lack of direction. This blog represents honesty and change; in the spirit of that, I must be frank-- I'm agoraphobic. I've suffered from debilitating anxiety my entire life. It led me to drop out of school when I was thirteen and lead a very unconventional lifestyle. A lifestyle where I answered to nobody and put dreams before responsibilities. Somehow I managed to overcome my mental issues; issues which included agoraphobia, phagophobia, mottephobia and depersonalization disorder.
I suffered mainly in silence, with a smile and pretending to be a tough guy. By my early 20's things changed, I moved to another state and lost contact with my friends. I began a routine of going to work and then back home. It fostered and exacerbated my conditions. It was seemingly overnight and I couldn't feel anything worsening-- the next thing I knew, I had become a shut-in and hadn't left my house much in 7 years.
That's where I am now. In my isolation, I somehow managed a girlfriend. She lives with me currently and we're trying to sort life. I have many talents, passion and knowledge. My fear of people and the outside world prohibit change. I've worked on my condition, trying to break free over the years but with varying success. Every step forward lands me four back. It's in the cycle, I've grown depressed and alone. There's so much I need, so much I want and love in this world-- but I'm shackled.
I'm out of time though.
I pulled a life insurance policy out. It isn't much and I'm unsure of how long it's going to take to be paid out to me. I figured I'd use it to bide time once my rent situation had to change. That won't work however, it'll only prevent the inevitable and I'll be homeless. I've searched for work for two years religiously and nobody seems to want an uneducated, inexperienced, socially awkward 27 year old employee. I am undesirable at this state.
It means my only chances are self employment or to really ace an interview. These things require one common trait, confidence.
The time I was most confident and "normal" in my life was between the ages of 15 to 20. I got heavily into martial arts and was training to be a professional fighter. I had gotten into great shape. The level of fitness and the confidence instilled by that pursuit made me into a different person.
I was still introverted, but I was able to play the role of extrovert rather easily. My depersonalization and phagophobia utterly vanished. I could talk to everyone, about anything. Hot girls, fighters, middle aged people, anyone.
It's such a balls to the wall plan, but I'm taking the life insurance money and I'm going to start Brazilian Jiu Jitsu again for the first time in almost 10 years. I'm going to sign up at Marcelo Garcia's school in NYC and I'll work hard to rebuild myself and transcend this condition. I strongly believe getting into shape and rekindling my flame with Jiu Jitsu will save my life.
I'm someone who's desperate and I've tried everything; I'm gambling all I have left right here. You're all thinking I'm a fool and I agree. This is the final answer.
Here's the outline. Go to Jiu Jitsu and get in great shape again: this will fix my testosterone levels and overall brain chemistry, reducing anxiety and building confidence at the same time through getting fit and skilled all at once. I'm conversational in Japanese, however, anxiety has made me unable to practicing speaking... therefore I'm unable to speak well. I'm going to hire a tutor and properly acquire fluency: this will also add confidence, polish to my resume and get my talking to people outside the Jiu Jitsu community.
I'll build my photography company, with a new ability to approach potential clients and sell my services. This entire time, I'll also continue religiously seeking work.
By keeping in motion, building my confidence, networking, getting in shape and acquiring new abilities... I hope in the next few months I'll see a noticeable change in my life.
Can I save my life?
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